


Too Soon, Not Perfect, No Regrets

by MsGuemja



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe, Drama & Romance, Episode: s05e06 Timeless, F/M, Gen, Rewrite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-08-25 12:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsGuemja/pseuds/MsGuemja
Summary: They crossed those barriers too soon, their timing far from perfect but neither had regrets (Timeless 20th Anniversary)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer - I do not own Star Trek Voyager or any of the characters. Just borrowing for a non-profit work of my imagination. 
> 
> The main pairing is Janeway/Chakotay but I will be adding character tags and other tags as they pop up in the progress of this story. This is my first fanfic post on this website and my first fanfic in nearly two years.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this adventure. Heres to the Journey

**Chapter One**

 

Had it been the wine, the setting in quarters dimly lit with candlelight and soft jazz playing or just none of the above? That it just happened? That it had been bound to happen? That it had been long enough?

It wasn’t meant to happen but part of her was glad it did. They were going home, this time tomorrow they would be in the Alpha Quadrant and they could carry on with no problems. The food had been good and the wine had been flowed a bit too liberally but not enough that they couldn’t stop if either wanted to. The moment came when they were saying good night to each other, Chakotay lingering by the table as she sipped the last of her wine. He complemented her on the dinner and she had smiled. Placing the glass back down Kathryn had turned to find Chakotay closer, his eyes meeting hers and her heart sped up at what she saw there. How long had it been since she had seen that look in anyone’s eyes, in his eyes? That longing and love all aimed at her, something she had caused?

His hand came up, fingers weaving into her hair as he cupped the back of her head. There was a moment where they just stared at each other, an unspoken question fading, before he pulled her forward and kissed her. She responded immediately before she could even tell herself not to. The taste of the wine was still fresh on his lips as well as hers and a passion she hadn’t felt in a long time built.

He unintentionally backed her into the sharp edge of the table, his movements blinded by need, and that brought her back from the blissful edge she was heading, her hands coming up and pushing against his chest lightly. He moved back, barely, his forehead against hers, their panting breaths mixing. Had anyone held her this close before and if they had, had it felt as complete and connecting? Maybe there was one other time when she felt this complete but he was long gone now.

“I… we – we can’t.”

Though she spoke the words, she didn’t put any more physical distance between them, didn’t push him further away. Her eyes fell to his chest and her hands resting there, feeling the fabric of his uniform against her fingertips. The hand that wasn’t still holding the back of her head came up and covered one of her own.

“We could be home tomorrow.”

Kathryn’s eyes moved to meet his again, her heart beat not slowing in any way and her mind drunk from the kiss. It was a terrible argument and she knew it wasn’t enough. They could be home tomorrow, they could also be in the Delta Quadrant, but her confidence in the slip stream drive clouded her judgement. Her heart winning over her mind. Kathryn pushing passed the Captain to hold onto what she had denied herself for years.

“Then we should wait,” she gave one final, weak, defence.

“I don’t want to.” He didn’t move closer or further away, purposefully leaving the next action to her. His hold on her was loose, she would be able to step out of it should she choose to. Kathryn knew she should.

_‘We will be home tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. It has been long enough.’_

With a deep breath she closed that small gap between their lips, the passion growing as his hands moved down her body, taking in every curve and plain. She pulled at the edges of his jacket, her hands pushing under the fabric to the shirt underneath. How many layers were there, she wanted skin not more clothing? She fought hard with herself not to tear them from his body.

“Tell me to stop and I will stop at any moment.”

His lips were back on hers as soon as he finished speaking and she pressed herself closer in answer. She felt the tightening of his fingers at her waist then the pull as he started stepping backwards, taking her with him, towards the bedroom.

He asked her again if this was what she wanted, right up to the point when they were naked and pressed up against each other. It wasn’t for his peace of mind, it was to let her know if she stopped him, he would dress and they would go back to what they were before. He would forget it, bury it to the back of his mind and never use it against her. Go back to the parameters she had put in place. Instead she had held his gaze for a moment before leaning up, pressing her lips to his and her hands on his bare back pulling him closer. That was her answer.

Through the night he whispered to her, whispered of the things he would do, of whisking her away to a far corner somewhere on Earth, of his love for her. His promises pressed into her skin with his lips. She could barely respond to any of it, so many emotions running through her, all due to his touch and his words. She thinks she answers but she is so lost in this moment that she isn’t sure. The night is unrushed but still not slow enough for her to find out all she wants to know about him.

They both wake slowly in the morning before the alarm sounds. In the quiet stillness their gazes meet and don’t break. Slowly she reached out and ran her fingers over the tattoo at his temple, a temptation she has always held, then down the side of his face, a passing caress of her thumb over his bottom lip. His eyes just stayed on her face, his body not moving in fear of disturbing this tranquillity. She moved, leaning closer and pressing her lips to his and he let his hand slid over her waist, pulling her closer.

Later, as they stood together after having breakfast, the backs of his fingers brushed the skin of her throat as he attached the pips to her collar. Chakotay gave her a gentle smile as their eyes met but his fingers lingered going to brush along her jawline.

“We should get going,” he whispered but neither made to move away from each other. Instead Kathryn took a small step forward, tilting her head up to meet his lips in a gentle kiss. “I – I lo…” Chakotay didn’t finish as Kathryn placed her fingers against his lips.

“Save one for when we are in the Alpha Quadrant.”

Her voice was quiet as she spoke, each word filled with the confidence she had that they would make it home. Chakotay matched her gentle smile with his own, his fingers still under her chin.

“I will always have more than one.”

 

_She had died. Voyager, the crew, her, all dead._  
_Fifteen years buried underneath this glacier._  
_Fifteen years of searching through files, of going back over every little detail to find their flaw, their mistake._  
_Fifteen years and he hears her voice again, degraded and distorted but it all comes flooding back._  
_Fifteen years he spent remembering their one night, her lingering touch, remembering her final words to him, a gentle smile and a soft kiss._  
**_“Save one for when we are in the Alpha Quadrant.”_ **  
_Fifteen years and the woman who he has at his side now, and no woman between her and Kathryn have ever heard him utter those words._  
_Fifteen years and her frozen corpse receives those words like a twisted promise he had to keep._  
_And he hopes, when these fifteen years have been erased, his younger self will just say them to her._

 

She sat on the bridge as they travelled through the slipstream closer and closer to Earth. Chakotay was piloting the Delta Flyer a little ways ahead of them, Harry Kim ready to relay the phase corrections through the COMM.

Earth was within reach. They were going home.

Then things started going wrong.

_Point One._

They waited for Harry to send the corrections as the variance climbed and the ship started shaking.

_Point Two._

Could they really do this? Could they really get home? The threshold was beginning to fluctuate.

_Point Three._

“Voyager to Delta Flyer. We need those corrections or we’ll have to shut down the drive.”  
Tom Paris sitting at the helm announced he was receiving the corrections and they worked. The phase variance decreased. For a moment.

_Point Four._

It increased. The COMM link went down between the two vessels. For a moment the thought crossed her mind that this was it. This was the end of their journey and it wouldn’t be the joyous return she had envisioned. Then Seven started to receive a transmission through one of her implants with a set of phase corrections.

Those corrections had shut down the drive and kicked them out into normal space, closer to home but not in the Alpha Quadrant. A message from ten maybe twenty years in the future had been the only clue they would get, that Harry Kim had come through for them in some way. As Janeway left Harry with the message from his future self, her mind went to Chakotay and about his promises. About her promises. Promises neither could keep anymore.

Before she knew it Janeway found herself sat in her ready room, staring out of the windows at the passing starscape. She didn’t know why, it was getting late and she really should have been heading to bed.

_‘Liar,’_ came her mental voice.

She knew why she was in her ready room. This talk needed to happen, it needed to happen now and it needed to happen in a place where she could stand a fighting chance against herself and him. Lightly she tapped her commbadge.

“Commander, can I see you in my ready room?”

“On my way Captain.”

Not even five minutes later the door chimed and he entered the room. There was silence for a few moments, Janeway standing on the upper level staring out at the stars, Chakotay by her desk, waiting. For once in her life she didn’t know where to start or even how to start this conversation. A conversation she had been hoping she wouldn’t need to have following the slipstream attempt.

“This is about what happened between us?” came Chakotay’s gentle voice, breaking the silence.

She nodded, turning towards him but still keeping her distance.

“I think it is pretty clear what I feel for you, Kathryn, that what happened was premature but I don’t regret it.” He took a step closer, his eyes meeting hers as she moved closer to the rail. “Do you?”

She bit the inside of her lower lip and slowly shook her head. She couldn’t regret it, no matter what would happen from now on she couldn’t.

“Then what is the issue? The rules and regulations? The opinion of the crew? Starfleet?”

She shook her head slightly as she gathered her thoughts.

“I am the captain and as captain I am responsible for your life. I will send you on away missions that require your expertise, away missions that might get you killed.”  
He frowned slightly, “That is a risk every member of Starfleet takes when they sign up. Starfleet can’t stop what will happen in people’s lives until that time.” He took another step forward and again she moved a bit further behind the rail, using it as a barrier between them. “Our situation is unique, they wouldn’t expect you to put your entire life on hold until we got home.”

“My first duty is to this crew Chakotay. I need to get them home because of my decision to strand us here. I need this disconnection because I know what will happen should I lose you.”

Chakotay looked up to her face but Janeway refused to look at him, her hands gripping the rail tightly. Slowly he reached out and rested his hand over hers, but she immediately pulled it back.

“I’m sorry Chakotay but I can’t be what you want me to be and the Captain. Voyager could cope without you but I know I wouldn’t be able too.”

Her feelings were there out in the open for him more or less and she wasn’t going to hide them. Chakotay looked at her for a moment, before a sigh escaped him and he nodded. He understood the guilt she carried for stranding them here even if everyone else had come to peace with the decision but her.

“Alright. I just have one condition.” She looked down at him, her grip relaxing little. “Your birthday is in a few weeks let me make you dinner?”  
Janeway gave him a small smile, some of the tension disappearing, and nodded. “Dinner it is.”

He wasn’t going to push her, he wasn’t going to destroy their friendship with this. If that is where they were going to stay he would deal with it and be by her side as if nothing had changed between them. It was the best he could hope for.


	2. Chapter Two

** Chapter Two **

 

(Set during Thirty days, 10/11 days after Tom is confined.)

 

The last few weeks had been uneventful to say the least. After the failed slipstream attempt, Janeway had ordered the drive to be dismantled though it didn’t have a sense of lingering failure attached to it. The crew seemed to have this renewed energy towards their journey home, the question of if they got home now turned into the question of when. Voyager could probably make it home within the lifetimes of most, if not all, of her crew. Janeway had given Chakotay a smile as he presented the new calculations to her, a smile he returned straight away.

Their relationship had fallen back into its previous form, a close and trusted friendship she could rely on. A friendship that was her strength on this journey, more so now than ever.

But the weeks had been uneventful, her mind had drifted and she had found herself watching him without realizing. It started off as just a sweeping glance to check his appearance as they greeted each other in the morning. When the reports had stopped stacking up and the time seemed to drag as the ship warped through the stars, she found her eyes following him, lingering longer than was necessary. There were times he nearly caught her and at other times Janeway swore she felt she was being watched, only to turn and find him looking down at a PADD or console.

She knew it would be hard to fall back into friendship after what they had shared, after they had spoke of their feelings but Chakotay seemed to be doing a better job than she was. He spoke to her as he used too, the only thing close to a reminder of their night together was his reminder of her birthday dinner coming up and asking if there was anything in particular she would like to eat or what she would like as a present.

He was keeping to his side of the line yet she found herself wanting to step over it. Janeway knew she couldn’t, knew she shouldn’t. She had wanted this and she was going to stick it out and get a hold of herself.

Thankfully a distraction came in the form of the ocean planet inhabited by the Monean Maritime Sovereignty and Tom Paris. And what a distraction it turned out to be and she found herself wanting those quiet days back.

Reducing Tom to the rank of Ensign and throwing him in the brig was not a decision she made lightly. He had not only disobeyed her orders but endangered the crew, the Moneans and himself. Having to repeatedly explain her decision to not only B’Elanna but also Harry, and the decision itself, left a sombre mood over the crew.

It quickly dissipated when about ten days after the incident they ran into a species of shoot first ask questions later aliens. Five ships and some evasive manoeuvres later, Voyager had got away with minor damage and a few bumps and bruises for the crew. Janeway was on the bridge helping with some repairs when Chakotay approached.

“All departments reporting that repairs are nearly complete. All essential systems are operating at peak efficiency.”

She placed down the tool and closed the panel.

“And the crew?”

“The Doctor reports all injuries have been treated with nothing major reported. He said that Ensign Paris got a bump to the head during the battle.”

Janeway looked up at him and nodded, noting he wasn’t leaving.

“Something else?”

“The Doctor reports that he has treated the crew but I believe he has missed one.” He leaned against the console she had just repaired, watching as she tapped away on the controls. “That was quite a tumble you took during the attack. You should go get a check up now that we have everything under control.”

Janeway rolled her eyes as she turned in the chair to face him.

“I’m fine. It is not like I have had worse falls.”

“Still my job as first officer is to keep an eye on the captain’s well being as well as the rest of crew. As much as she doesn’t like to have a check up, she needs to have one like everyone else after a battle.”

She wasn’t going to win this fight especially when she caught Tuvok watching them, knowing he would voice his concern over her tumble if she didn’t move soon.

“We can always call the Doctor for a house call?”

“No, I will go to Sickbay.” Janeway stood quickly and immediately her vision started to swim and she stumbled. Chakotay reached out to stop her fall, taking hold of her arm and she let out a un-captain like yelp at the contact.

“I guess you are more hurt then you thought Captain.”

“The adrenalin must have worn off.” She looked up at him, noting that he hadn’t let go of her upper arm, his other hand hovering as if afraid he would hurt her more. “I should go to Sickbay.”

Their eyes met for the briefest moment and she saw the worry.

“I will escort you incase…”

She shook her head, “No you stay on the bridge. I will be fine getting there.” Janeway gently place her hand over his to show she was alright before leaving.

 

Slowly she made her way along the corridor towards sickbay and walking in, found it to be empty.

“Doctor?”

His head appeared on the other side of his office and he quickly walked towards her.

“Captain, what can I do for you?”

She grimaced as the pain in her arm came back with a new strength.

“I took a tumble during the attack, landed awkwardly and my arm won’t stop throbbing.”

The Doctor led her over to a biobed and pulled out a tricorder, scanning her arm.

“A hairline fracture and deep bruising,” he placed the tricorder to one side, picking up another device. “I am surprised you were persuaded to come so promptly.”

“I nearly didn’t but you know what Chakotay and Tuvok are like.”

Her eyes watched the Doctor treat her injury before he picked up the tricorder again to check everything was healed.

He scanned her arm then went ahead and did an all over scan for any other injuries. The Doctor’s eyes widened when it beeped and he tried not to make a surprised noise, instead just managing a hum.

“What is it Doctor?”

“Well Captain, you’re pregnant.” He just said it no beating around the bush just blurted it out. It took a moment for her process what he had said.

“What? I can’t be.” She looked at him and the position of the scanner level with her abdomen. “I remember having my booster.”

“At your last yearly physical, but you are late in your quarterly booster renewal.” He paused for a moment, “You and Commander Chakotay.”

Janeway’s gaze snapped to him at the mention of the Commander. The Doctor didn’t mention that he had repeatedly sent reminders to her and Chakotay over the last two months, the last being only a few days ago. He had nearly given up in getting them to turn up with the yearly physical due in the coming weeks. “If you don’t keep up with the quarterly booster the effectiveness reduces by about five to twenty percent. You have missed two so the chances of this happening were 16.5 percent.”

Her pulse quickened even more and she thought she was going to black out at any moment. In a surprise move, she snatched the tricorder from his hands her eyes reading the output.

There it was, her lifesigns then the beginning lifesigns of a baby.

_No, this… this can’t…_

Her fingers tightened their grip on the medical device.

“Captain, take a deep slow breaths for me. I need you to calm down otherwise I may have to give you a mild sedative.”

“Calm down? How do you expect me to do that?”

She hopped off the biobed, beginning to pace around sickbay. She was pregnant. Pregnant with a member of her crews baby, Chakotay’s baby. She didn’t know what to do with herself. She wanted to scream until her voice was raw, cry until she had no tears left, go to her quarters and curl into a ball in the darkness. Starship captains do not have accidental pregnancies.

The Doctor watched her carefully, seeing the beginning signs of shock, when she marched across the room into his office and sat down in the chair. She had left the closed tricorder on the desk staring at it as if trying to erase it from existence.

Taking a deep breath the Doctor spoke after several minutes of silence.

“Captain, I… There are a number of options open to you at this stage in the pregnancy.” She looked at him, her anger giving away to sadness he couldn’t place. “My first suggestion is you speak to Tuvok if you are not ready to speak to Chakotay.”

“Tuvok?” She frowned in confusion.

The Doctor nodded, “He is head of Security but more importantly he has been your friend for about twenty years. He is also a Vulcan, he would give you the honest truth but ultimately will leave the decision to you.”

She nodded slowly as she blew out a deep breath. Her eyes went to the closed tricorder for a moment.

“How…” She swallowed around the lump in her throat “…how far along?” She already knew. They had only been together for one night and apparently that was enough.

“Three nearly four weeks.”

 

Light fell in from the corridor as the doors opened and Janeway walked into her quarters. The Doctor had told her to go rest and would inform the bridge that she wouldn’t be back for the rest of her shift. She had panicked for a moment, Chakotay was on the bridge and would assume something was wrong, but the Doctor had reassured her that he wouldn’t give details just say he had advised rest and she wasn't to be disturbed.

Kathryn stood there in the middle of her quarters, her eyes slowly going around the space and thoughts of where items could go pushed forward suddenly. She immediately let out a small whimper, trying to push the ideas away and fell onto the nearest chair. Kathryn knew what she must do, she couldn’t keep it, she couldn’t be a mother and the captain of a ship stranded in the far parts of the galaxy. She knew that. Yet she found herself unable to stick to an option even with them all in front of her. This should have been a simple quick decision and her hesitation at this moment scared her.

Then there was Chakotay. Would he want her to keep it, put it in stasis until someone willing came along to carry it? Could she watch another woman raise the child? These questions and many more ran and had run through her head since the Doctor told her she was pregnant. Just over and over. Kathryn took a deep breath, buried her face in her hands and did the one thing she hadn’t done in many years. She let her tears fall.

 

* * *

 

 

Kathryn waited a few days, letting the shock of the situation calm a little, before deciding to meet with Tuvok. During that time she had spent as little time on the bridge as possible, doing reports in her ready room or quarters and taking meals in those same places. Harry Kim had come to see her about going to visit Tom Paris in the brig and she had said she would think about it in a snipped tone that had the Ensign standing straighter. She told him he could go at the end of the week as she was leaving the bridge.

Stepping into the turbolift Kathryn called for deck six and took a steadying deep breath for the nerves she was feeling.

Hesitating for a second, her finger hovered over the chime button before pressing it. Tuvok answered almost immediately and she walked in to find him standing near the replicator. He turned and ordered Vulcan spiced tea and motioned towards the couch. After a few minutes of sitting in silence and taking in the aroma of the tea drifting into the air, Tuvok spoke.

“What is troubling you Captain?”

Clearing her throat, Kathryn held the warm cup with both hands and looked to the orchid sitting on the small table as a way to help focus her thoughts.

“I appear to have found myself in a situation with no idea how to… what to do.” She took a sip of the tea, hoping it would settle her nerves. She didn’t look at him just kept her eyes on the orchid as she tried to think of how to say what she needed to. “I was informed a few days ago that… that not every member of the crew was up to date with their boosters and as a result a situation has arisen. One that isn’t as straightforward as I thought it would be.”

Tuvok quirked an eyebrow as he watch Kathryn, taking a moment to process the information.

“Might I assume that you are pregnant Captain?” She didn’t face him, just a slight turn to the side before she nodded slowly. “And I can assume then that Commander Chakotay is the father?” He noted the way she tensed for a moment and knew he was right. There wasn’t anyone else he had observed she was to close, someone who could clearly be a romantic partner. “This is indeed not straightforward. Have you informed the Commander?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“May I ask why?”

Kathryn frowned for a moment, “Because… because this shouldn’t be happening, it can’t happen.” She stood and moved away, pacing the space away from the table.

“From my observation you are young enough and healthy enough for this to happen. Your tendency to avoid the Doctor and sickbay also plays a part.”

“That is not the point or maybe it is. I – I… It’s irresponsible. The ship and crew must come first, I must get them home.”

Tuvok frowned slightly, “Forgive me Captain but I don’t see how a pregnancy, your pregnancy would prevent you from fulfilling that objective?”

“Don’t you?" She stopped her pacing, her eyes falling on him in disbelief. "I can see a hundred ways it could. My objectivity for one, command decisions, my attention would be divided.”

After a moments silence Tuvok spoke, “Captain please sit.”

Kathryn took a breath before slowly making her way over and sitting back down.

“Your reaction was not what I was expecting Tuvok.”

“What were you expecting Captain?”

She huffed a small laugh, “I was expecting you to recite rules and regulations, to tell me that this isn’t the time or place.”

“You didn’t discourage in anyway Ensign Wildman when she informed you of her pregnancy.”

“How could I?” Kathryn faced him, “But you are ignoring the big difference here Tuvok. She is an ensign and I am the captain. Her position can be taken on by other crewmen, mine cannot. I have to be available at any moment for this ship and crew.”

“Ensign Wildman was on duty up until she went into labour. You are correct that there are several crewmen who can cover her position but there are those who can cover yours as well in a crisis or other wise. Myself and Commander Chakotay can take on your duties if need be. Ensign Kim has been asking for more nightshift commands and he is capable of taking command should the need arise.”

“But Tuvok…” She shook her head slightly, her hand coming up, fingers rubbing against her forehead.

“Your first duty will always be the crew. The child will be part of that crew just as Miss Wildman. If the ship is not safe then neither is the crew or the child.”

Tuvok picked up the mug from the table and handed it to Kathryn. “While I believe having a child at this time is not the best, not just for you but any member of this crew, it is an inevitable outcome and with the example of Ensign Wildman it can work. Naomi is a smart child and I believe her upbringing aboard Voyager has been a part of that. Voyager may have to become a generational ship in order to complete the journey to Earth. Whatever you choose to do, I will stand with you along with the rest of the crew.”

“What about my objectivity, my judgement? How…” Kathryn just started to repeat her arguments. This was not what she expected at all.

“Your objectivity is a non issue. Your feelings towards Commander Chakotay have not been an issue before and they have been there awhile. Your connections to the crew in general are not typical of most Starfleet captains. After nearly five years, this crew is more than that, they are a family. Should I feel your judgement is impaired I will intervene as I am sure the Commander himself will.”

Kathryn shook her head with slight defeat, eyes going back to the orchid, “I don’t know what to do.”

“You have the options in front of you but I do believe your indecision is the answer. I have known you for a long time and I know you don’t need long to make a choice if all the options are presented. You want the child otherwise you would not have listened to the Doctor’s advice and sort my counsel.”

“But how can I be captain and a mother? No one on the ship or any first contacts with species will take me seriously standing there in a maternity uniform. I barely have time for myself, how am I to divide my time even more for an infant? Would it be fair? Who would look after it when I am duty, when me and Chakotay are both on duty? What about in an emergency?”

In another unexpected move Tuvok reached out and laid his hand on top of her free one in comfort and support.

“First and foremost the crew respects you and Chakotay, from what I have witnessed they would be happy for you and more than likely to offer services in child care. You have kept this crew together and on the journey to Earth for over four years, having a child will not change that for them.”

Kathryn blinked away the tears as she squeezed Tuvok’s hand gently. His words, his thoughts and observations, had helped her some what. She needed to think again, to go over everything and make a decision. She also needed to speak to Chakotay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. Hopefully future chapters will come quicker. Thanks to those who left Kudos and reviews for the previous chapter.  
> Voyager episodes referenced in the chapters will be in stardate order if a stardate was available , or aired order if no stardate was present. At times I may rearrange a few non-stardate episodes to suit the fanfic.  
> Thank you

**Author's Note:**

> to be continued...


End file.
